I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
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[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
それは草
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.