Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.