Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”