Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
You Might Also Like
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.