It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Um … Hot Wings please
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Put a ring on it
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”