My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
me logging onto twitter
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?