Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
*weighs self after shaving
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”