Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
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When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!