I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
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Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away