No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
You Might Also Like
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.