Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
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Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”