i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
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[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned