I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
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Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
ugh not again
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.