You Might Also Like
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.