Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
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I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand