if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Never forget.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
This line from Airplane.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?