I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.