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Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, βDude, Iβve tried and it doesnβt work.β
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams βfan out!β and we all do.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Pics or it didnβt happen… unless itβs your kidβs first day of school, then weβll just take your word for it.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Hey I noticed youβre completely uninterested in me and couldnβt care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I put the mess in domestic.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered βI thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it nowβ
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[Logging in]
β’ Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when theyβre 45.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.