I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
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You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)