Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
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“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
never compromise your values
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too