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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
my sentiments exactly
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass