I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
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Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.