Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
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She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms