excuse me
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If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores