Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
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Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.