HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
How to properly lift a body
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.