I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Is your wife single?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.