I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
You Might Also Like
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life