For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!