Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.