[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
You Might Also Like
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.