If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
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Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
smartest karate player in the world
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Coffee is ready.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue