You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside