LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
You Might Also Like
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Woke up against my better judgement again
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping