The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
iPhone X
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.