It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments