*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
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My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[eats all your cotton candy]
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.