Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!