She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
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(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
i will avenge u mr van gogh
definitely did not do anything wrong
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My life in a nutshell
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it