If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time