“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old