Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
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[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.