Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
This is me
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.