She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
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A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
grotesque if literal: baby food
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I’m Sold!
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Auto correct is my worst enema.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick