*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
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Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
relationship goals
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.