I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
People buying plungers never look happy.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.