Eat…
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My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I wish this was real life…
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space