Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.