her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.