Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
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my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.